he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
