I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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