When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
