I can tuck mytits in my pants
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
