____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
