I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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