I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We had to coat check the pizza.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
