Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
