Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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