I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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