i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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