Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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