I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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