Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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