Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
