so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Omg I joined a choir last night...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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