I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
