I just saw a hot homeless man
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
