i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
