I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize