Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
