The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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