i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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