I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
