was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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