just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
