holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
