At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
