I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
