My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
