Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
