Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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