A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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