the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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