I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
