his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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