1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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