The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
