Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
