Life is so much better after having sex.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Success! We fucked roommates!
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