So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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