Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sober January is a disaster.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
