i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
