i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
