i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
