Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
