Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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