dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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