where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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