You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
