i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
