Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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