My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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