I wish I only lived at night.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
