There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
