i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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