her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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